Please Dear God Are We Nearly There Yet???

What does a person taken by the men in white coats to a lunatic asylum for being a few slices short of a full loaf and a person who has an ASC/ADHD child with a passion for A380's and then takes that child on an A380 for a 24 hour flight have in common?  Correct.  They are both insane.  I am of course referring to myself in the latter example, although how I have escaped being the former remains a mystery to me.  Not that the lunacy ended there.  The option was there to not take the children.  We didn't take it.  Another tick on the Facebook Are You A Lunatic? Quiz with an affirmative. 

I can only imagine travelling with any young children is painful, the mere thought of sitting in a car traversing the length and breadth of the UK in a small car has me wincing.  But that is exactly when Ben Hatch did.  I am yet to read what exactly possessed him to do such a thing but I look forward to comparing our travel experiences and am assured by Terry Wogan it is 'utterly delightful'.  And Terry's word is good enough for me - oh how I miss him.  The joys of the Internet meant I got to listen to Terry's Radio 2 morning show in Australia whilst making tea.  Since he retired I rely on wine drinking to entertain me.  My lush-like state is entirely Terry's fault.  However, I digress.  Ben's book is called Are We Nearly There Yet?  8000 Misguided Miles Round Britain In A Vauxhall Astra.  For those of you down under, Vauxhall is what we know as Holden.  Ben not only travelled around in a very small car, but he did it with two very small children.

Taking any child on any kind of long journey requires careful planning and a serious head examination.  Entertainment needs to be factored in, not to mention enough food to feed an Army and plenty of incentives to curb any outbreak of violence between siblings.  When you add into the mix a child with additional issues, you invariably have to add in additional safety nets to deal with their extra requirements.  When you take a child with ADHD on a plane journey the safety net is of course ADHD meds.  But what to do when you want that child to sleep and the medication  keeps them awake and alert, (the whole point of the medication after all)?  You do as we did and fly without a parachute in the hope the excitement of being on an A380 will eventually wear off and sleep will reign supreme.  It didn't.  Resulting in Zebedee sitting beside me for 14. Long. Hours.  Another tick.  Why not just tick all the boxes and skip to the end and bring up a full flashing YOU A CRAZY PERSON results screen.

Whilst we could do nothing to curb the excitement caused by our mode of transport, Emirates were all too obliging to show us around the entire A380 finishing off with a trip to the cock-pit.  This may not have produced sleep-inducing hormones but it at least did curtail the curiosity of whether or not the plane was built as reported.    The other joy of decent airlines is that entertainment is un-ending.  If the choice of films didn't keep the boys occupied for several sleepless hours, the games did.  Emirates are also to be recommended for their child meals which include the usual foil wrapped delights but also, specifically for children, a snack box with lots of goodies in, to stave off the inevitable starvation that children so frequently suffer with minutes after eating a full meal.

If you find yourself travelling with a sensory seeking child, like us, you will know containing a child in the human equivalent of a tin can for several hours is like containing a jack-in-the-box.  In this regard I can highly recommend the travelators at airports.  We sat close to one in Dubai airport and made said child run up and down, up and down, up and down.  You get the picture.   

The reason for putting ourselves through this was obvious, they got to see family they had not seen in years and we got to give them a life experience travelling the World.  Well a bit of Europe but let's not get pedantic.  The trip was a partial work trip organised by Renault.  As part of my husband's job he gets to take part in Managers trips on occasion.  This year's experience saw us gadding around in the South of France sans enfants (crazy person reversal!) pretending to be A listers.  The experience was so authentic they even laid on paparazzi at Nice airport.  I'm sure the photos would have been much better if Eva Longoria hadn't stuck her beak in them but she was so small I'm sure they only photographed her enormous sunglasses whilst taking my picture.  Continuing in A lister mode whilst holding my award (ok glass of wine!) I would like to thank my Mother without whom none of this would have been possible.  I thank her to heaven and back for being game enough (again) to take my offspring for the entire time.

Our itinerary involved activities which were Aspie Man heaven, riding Harley Davidsons, driving Ferrari's, being passengers in vintage cars, sailing catamarans etc.  But I won't complain, for the women the bonus was that this was all taking place on the Cote D'Azur where we could indulge in our fantasy of pretending to be Grace Kelly.  That was of course not the real bonus of the trip, Sebastien the French chef was the real bonus.  Only kidding.  When these trips occur, for five whole days I get to be sane.  I don't have to deal with ASC meltdowns or demands and I can give my eyes a rest by not being on constant alert for hyperactive children.  I am allowed to turn my brain off, so to speak.  I also have the privilege of watching my husband relax and revert to the man I met many years ago who laughed and played the joker all the time.  Watching him flirt with the tour guide, as ironic as it may sound, was a highlight of this recent trip.  His stress is partly work related of course but there is no denying he finds walking into a mad house night after night a little testing and the strains of having a son with ASC and ADHD undoubtedly affects him too.

These trips naturally come to an end and I transform from Grace Kelly having her dinner served to her in Monte Carlo into Marge Simpson making the dinner in a very particular way for Bart.  The pain of the flight home becomes a reality and relatively pain-free travel through France and to various parts of England by car courtesy of Ritalin is consigned to a distant memory.  Next time I will be flying with my parachute, not that I plan to travel around Europe with my children again any time soon - the memories of the flight are still too raw... 

So back to Ben travelling around Great Britain in an Astra, the very least we can do is buy enough of his books (which are available on Amazon both sides of the Globe) to allow him to buy a Renault Espace for his next escapade.  Which given he owes me a favour he could combine with a trip down under and a follow up book called Are We Nearly There Yet Cobber?  Driving Around Australia With Two Children Under The Age Of Ten And A Kangaroo In A Renault Espace.  Just a thought Ben...!