21st May - Leaking Eyes

Don't you just hate those moments when completely unexpectedly, your eyes start to leak.  Something randomly touches a nerve and you well up.  Well I had one of those moments this morning.  I will add that I'm not feeling particularly emotional at the moment, life is actually pretty cruisey.  Now when I say cruisey, we have our episodes on a frequent basis, which you'll know if you read these blogs daily.  No, what I mean is the repeat button is not being held down and I do not currently feel like my head is on a full spin cycle.

My mornings not consisting of the same battles has enabled me to put my fishwife costume back in the box.  Dare I say it, but I probably have stress levels at an all time low and I'm actually enjoying my children.  That may sound horrible but as any parent with a child who has demands above and beyond the already high demands of a child probably knows, we love our kids to the moon and back but their daily challenges don't leave much room for us to just enjoy them being kids.  I am getting to do that at the moment probably for the first time that I can remember.  Long Legs actually talks to me in audible words and not just grunts!

Today I went to the Short One's school assembly.  I used to be a weekly attender but this year I've just not felt so inclined.  So today I went and much to his delight I actually stayed for the whole thing.  I normally bolt before the class presentation at the end.  This morning the presentation was by the senior class which Long Legs was in last year so I thought I'd stay and see what they were doing this year.

It turned out to be a mini play/musical with the theme of bullying.  They introduced by explaining bullying can be verbal, physical, it can be a group of kids or it can be hidden.  The play started out with the main character having no friends and nobody would even talk to him.  He was called weird by all the other kids and the eyes without warning sprung a leak! 

No amount of looking up the ceiling to inspect for cobwebs was stopping it so I just went with it and dabbed the eyes to stop the mascara running.  I wished this presentation had been done the year before.  My boy last year in senior, and probably all the years before that, just wanted to be liked, just wanted to have friends.  He had a couple but the majority of children at primary probably just thought of him as nobody worth bothering with.  Weird.

So that raw nerve we all have, got stung.  Aside from the fact that we have had an issue with Long Legs being called names at his new school, I realised I was crying because I just wondered how much of this mini play was actually sinking in to these kids?  How much did they realise that their behaviour and actions do matter?  And I wondered, for all the talk of bullying being subtle and how much mental anguish it can cause, how much do teachers practise what they preach?

I was disappointed in the ending which was five other kids beating the main character up and I just thought, yep, all people are going to really take from this is that bullying has to be physical. It has to be extreme and seen before something is really done about it.  Isn't that the epitome of ASD?  People can't see it, they can't see the effects of having a brain work differently, so it's just not real.  They can't see how other kids treat your child differently because of it and they can't see how that makes a child feel.  Therefore, that subtle bullying carries on.

So meanwhile, Nigella has a chocolate cake recipe which I have promised to make the boys.  I feel a large slice of comfort cake coming on for myself.  Failing that, somebody send me a wet fish so I can slap myself out of this state I now find myself in.  Til tomorrow x    

20th May - Living With Tom Cruise And Brad Pitt

OK so let me explain, I don't actually live with Tom and Brad.  That's just crazy talk and you'd have to be as gorgeous as Jennifer Aniston to think that somebody like Brad would look twice, right?  I jest, of course.  He'd snap me up like a cut price TV on Black Friday but that damn Angelina probably wouldn't like it much.  But I do genuinely live with two actors who, unlike Tom Cruise, could easily win an Oscar.  Take today for example. Hang on, let's first go back a few years.  Cue the wavy lines of memory regression on the TV screen...

Once upon a time i.e. a few years ago when we were trying to get Long Leg's assessed and potentially diagnosed with something, anything to explain his behaviour, we used to have early intervention caseworkers and medical professionals conduct observations on him.  During which time he would behave impeccably.  They would always ask 'is this normal behaviour?' and my husband and I would yell quietly 'for the love of wine and chocolate, do you really think so?'  And off they would go on their merry way saying he had behavioural issues and it was obviously a parenting thing.

Clearly, was I as savvy as I am now, I would have explained from the outset that that we had issues with him as a result of communication difficulties and socially inappropriate behaviour.  These two phrases will give you a head start with any paediatrician which will wave a red flag at them.  Instead I had started the ball rolling by visiting medical professionals simply saying we were having trouble with his 'behaviour'.  The only thing that got waved was their bill at me on my way out of the door.  Major 'durrr' moment.

I've heard many parents say the same thing as I have said myself, when we have gone into an appointment and we've willed our child on to be as vile as possible and have silently high-fived ourselves when they have obliged.  Mummy's not going to look like a complete fruit-cake today who makes things up darling. Yay!  So fast-forward several years.  We have the diagnosis, now we want to make improvements in social behaviour and communication and with the right therapies, get our children to be as fully functioning as they can be.

Back to today.  My University lecturer was coming to my house this afternoon as I am doing some work for her.  She was at a local school so she said she'd pop around after.  The Short One was due to be at AFL training and was gutted he would miss her so he asked me to take a selfie.  Yeah, that was never gonna happen.  But as it was she was running late so we arranged to meet up after his AFL.  As we pulled up the drive she was sitting there in my very conveniently placed table and chairs at the front of my house.  Note to self, must install a coffee machine.

Long Legs, instead of jumping out of the car, demanding the house keys to let himself in before a single second of X-Box time could be lost, stood there looking anywhere but in her direction.  I called him over and introduced him and the little bugger did not look at her once and grunted a hello before scuttling past.  She is a Doctor of autism and I could just see her thinking, yup, he's got eye-contact issues.  And I was screaming in my head he doesn't have eye-contact issues EVER!  Not even when we were trying to get someone to take us seriously when he was a toddler did he avoid eye-contact.

So into the house we toddled, the Short One said hello, and he actually is quite a shy kid so his greeting was fairly normal.  But then!  As I was showing her our back 'yard' which is usually a surprise and she was ooohing and ahhing at the jungle that is our garden, lo and bloody behold, the Short One is watering my plants on the verandah with his water bottle from school.  I spot his shoes, or should I say I don't spot his shoes which are usually scattered somewhere between the kitchen floor and the living room floor.  I notice his bag, which is usually firmly plopped in the middle of the kitchen floor whilst he has his face planted in his iPad, is in fact in its designated spot ready for the morning.  Then I watch him wash his lunch bag up and put his lunchbox in the sink with all rubbish out of it.  All without me having to say a single word of reminder.

The house remained silent for pretty much the rest of her visit, except for the obligatory punch-up over the X-Box controller when Long Legs decided to change from silent and moody to loud, stompy feet and moody.  He later said to me when I asked him how did he think that had made me feel to which he replied that I was probably disappointed in him in a structural manner and I was probably feeling obnoxious towards him.  Full marks for advanced vocabulary use and attempts at extended sentence structure my boy!  Bravo.  

The Short One will be appearing in his school musical later on this year.  I would suggest that for anyone who wants to say 'I knew that famous actor when' to contact me for tickets.  Long Legs has been approached by a pharmaceutical company to model for their new deodorant.  It's going to be called 'Dark And Moody'.  I'm assured it smells structurally obnoxious.  Til tomorrow x 

19th May - Death By Nigella...

Clearly my baking spree on Sunday was not enough for me.  When I get in one of these frames of mind, there is not a pat of butter safe from my paws and the KitchenAid starts to do a booty shake in anticipation of the work out I will be giving it.  The children stuff their little faces with my offerings and the husband declares me to be a 'not a bad housewife'.  I feel virtuous for my home-baked,  preservative free goodies.  I just ignore the fact that the actual ingredients I use put weight on just by simply mentioning them. 

Today, I got to use my new Nigella cookbook which was my present for Mother's Day.  As it is Nigella, you can guarantee, I have not made a salad.  Rather, chocolate rice pudding with lashings of cream and chocolate.  Which the boys topped off with banoffe pie with a butter laden shortbread base.  James Martin, whose cookbook was also in the firing line today, likes to use butter, butter and a bit more butter in his recipes.  His shortbread lined the base of my banoffe pie.  But before the sugar hit, the boys did have another of James' butter recipes with a little bit of potato and cheese and a load more cream in the form of a potato dauphinoise.

I am, of course, the sad person who makes all this stuff and then doesn't eat it because of that damn baby weight I've not been able to shift for - what 9 years???  Still, party on boys, it's back to fish fingers and chips and shop bought cheesecake when I get over my little cooking fit.  Til tomorrow x 

18th May - Homework is EVIL

Homework in my opinion should be banned.  Especially when it comes to giving it to kids with ASD.  I spent 2 hours arguing/assisting/encouraging the Short One to do his homework assignment over the weekend.  It is a speaking task for later in the week which involves him first having to write his talk.  The efforts so far have been futile. 

Because it is homework out of the usual format, he thinks he 'can't do it' so doesn't even try.  Despite my best efforts to tell him he is more than capable, he erupts in tears and I pull my hair out with tweezers.  Homework dramas are nothing new in this house. Today I have asked the Short One's teacher to help him with his because there truly is not enough patience in the saintliest of saints to help him when he parks that brain in a 'you will be clamped if you park here' spot in the car park of his head.  He parks, he gets clamped and all the chocolate bribery in the world does not release that bugger!  He has received a little bit of help with a suggestion that he does the rest at home.  And big *sigh*.  Til tomorrow (if I haven't put my head in the freezer that is!) x

17th May - A day in FB land.

This has been my day according to my Facebook statuses! 

Happy as a pig in shortbread and banana loaf. Having a baking afternoon so the boys actually have food that isn't in a packet in their lunch boxes this week. Listening to the Archers, possibly, cannot confirm, maybe having a glass of bubbles. It helps with the baking honest :D

Having a hot date with Patrick Swayze much to the disgust of my husband who wants the V8's on. Sorry baby, I make you banoffe pie, I get control of the TV :D

Til tomorrow x

16th May - Do Rey Thor

I redeemed myself for the atrocity of last weekend's Mother's Day (according to others) when I dragged all my boys to see the Sound of Music at the cinema.  I took them to see the film they really wanted to see on my Mother's Day - I mean how rude was I?  So off we went to see the Avengers which for me at least several things were worth going for; Thor's right bicep, Thor's left bicep and Thor's chest. 

I learned 2 things from seeing two very different films with my boys.  First, my boys throw themselves around regardless of whether Julie Andrews is running around at the top of a mountain singing her little heart out or Thor is running around smashing robot's faces in and ripping their robot hearts out.  Second, even with the action packed fun that was the Avengers, they still needed to eat a small buffet during the entire film.  At least the Avengers was so loud the rustling of wrappers and constant eating couldn't be heard too much...  Til tomorrow x

15th May - The 'R' Word

I've had to wait a while to write 'today's' post because I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say.  Today Long Leg's ran in the District Cross Country competition - well I say run, he started off running and then about 400 meters in I saw him slow down significantly.  He didn't stop and he hadn't run so fast that he'd burnt himself out but I suspected something had happened.

I waited for him at the finish line and when I counted the finishers past number 50 I knew something was up.  Sure enough I saw him walking to the finish line with his classmate who had walked with him, whilst he held onto his thigh.  He finished the course even though he was offered a golf buggy ride which he later regretted because he wanted to go in the buggy.  His fellow runners couldn't believe where he'd come in the race because he had finished first in the school cross country.  Thankfully, he wasn't disappointed in himself or upset. He certainly milked the leg strappings, ice packs and early departure from school.

Whilst we were leaving the cross country course, he totally out of the blue told me some boys in his class had called him the 'r' word.  This is the very first time he had said something to me and when he elaborated and said it had been going on since last term I was gobsmacked.  I asked him why he hadn't said anything and why he was telling me now?  I of course gave him twenty questions about when they said it, why did they say it, where were they when he said it, what did he do when they said it etc etc.

He was so calm and collected I was amazed at the way he was telling me.  He didn't look remotely upset and this confused me because it's such a nasty word and his self-esteem isn't that great.  He told me it had started last term and that this term it had been getting increasingly worse so I presume it's now starting to bother him.  In response to when it happens, he told me it's when he tries to approach them to chat or if he trips up or doesn't jump a skipping rope.  He told me in his head he says 'well you're going to get far in life aren't you' but in reality he just walks away.

I am not at all sure if he is allowing it to bother him though as he told me that as this has been going on for several weeks he can now legitimately tell the teacher he is being bullied.  If he had said something after the first time it had happened, it is not classed as bullying.  Now they will be dealt with as bullies and at his school there is no tolerance of bullying.

I, meanwhile, am shaking my head in disbelief at what he's telling me and planning all the ways in my head I am going to make these boys face up to me and say that word to my face.  I will then ask them if they know what the word means because I have a strict rule with my boys, if you don't know what a word means, don't use it.  Then I will bamboozle them with my knowledge of French verbs, in particular Retarder which means to delay or make late.  Hence the origin of the word and how some bright spark brought it into use to refer to individuals with a delayed rate of learning. And then I may randomly start reciting je retarde, tu retardes etc etc 

I may also have moments when I am mentally smashing a bunch of 12 year old boys in the face, although I, of course, keep these thoughts to myself.  To say these things out loud is not very p.c. I know, but I can guarantee all us ASD parents think these things when another child is mean to ours.  But it's when we do more than 'think', there are potential problems.  Naturally I won't go near these boys, I will leave the school to deal with this.  If there is one thing I don't like more than children picking on other children, it's adults picking on children.  I still get filled with anger when I think back to the times when adults approached Long Legs in front of me because of something he'd done to their child.

It is also fair to say that I am not raging because he does not appear to be upset.  Otherwise, we all know what a mother is like when her child has been hurt by somebody else. What I am so impressed by is, not so much that he's not upset by the episodes, but that he is not being a victim.  We have certainly tried to instil in him that he is in no way inferior to others and we always tell him the advantages of having ASD.  I don't know when this level of resilience occurred in him, or if he just feels so secure in the school and that they will not tolerate this behaviour, that he knows he will not suffer for years and years on end at the hands of these boys. 

I see other parents who enable their children to be victims because of their ASD and I want to scream at them.  I think as parents it is so important that we protect our children and look out for them.  But equally as important is letting them learn to protect themselves and teaching them not to be victims.  Whilst they are younger and don't understand how their sensory systems affect them or the ways in which their socialisation skills need a bit of work, absolutely we need to give their teachers tips on what works for them to help them out and we march up to the school at a drop of hat the minute we hear about playground antics.

At the same time, they need tips on what to say in response to unkind words and being taught to walk away from a situation.  We have been saying 'walk away' for years to Long Legs.  It may have taken a long, long time for him to start doing it.  But I can tell you all, the wait is so worth it if it means I know my boy can do it at the very start of his high school career.  I have heard too many horror stories of teenagers with ASD being bullied.  I like to spread positive words so I'm glad to be able to tell you this story as warped as that may sound.  I wish nothing bad to these boys except a reality check about their words and actions.  Til tomorrow x