OK so let me explain, I don't actually live with Tom and Brad. That's just crazy talk and you'd have to be as gorgeous as Jennifer Aniston to think that somebody like Brad would look twice, right? I jest, of course. He'd snap me up like a cut price TV on Black Friday but that damn Angelina probably wouldn't like it much. But I do genuinely live with two actors who, unlike Tom Cruise, could easily win an Oscar. Take today for example. Hang on, let's first go back a few years. Cue the wavy lines of memory regression on the TV screen...
Once upon a time i.e. a few years ago when we were trying to get Long Leg's assessed and potentially diagnosed with something, anything to explain his behaviour, we used to have early intervention caseworkers and medical professionals conduct observations on him. During which time he would behave impeccably. They would always ask 'is this normal behaviour?' and my husband and I would yell quietly 'for the love of wine and chocolate, do you really think so?' And off they would go on their merry way saying he had behavioural issues and it was obviously a parenting thing.
Clearly, was I as savvy as I am now, I would have explained from the outset that that we had issues with him as a result of communication difficulties and socially inappropriate behaviour. These two phrases will give you a head start with any paediatrician which will wave a red flag at them. Instead I had started the ball rolling by visiting medical professionals simply saying we were having trouble with his 'behaviour'. The only thing that got waved was their bill at me on my way out of the door. Major 'durrr' moment.
I've heard many parents say the same thing as I have said myself, when we have gone into an appointment and we've willed our child on to be as vile as possible and have silently high-fived ourselves when they have obliged. Mummy's not going to look like a complete fruit-cake today who makes things up darling. Yay! So fast-forward several years. We have the diagnosis, now we want to make improvements in social behaviour and communication and with the right therapies, get our children to be as fully functioning as they can be.
Back to today. My University lecturer was coming to my house this afternoon as I am doing some work for her. She was at a local school so she said she'd pop around after. The Short One was due to be at AFL training and was gutted he would miss her so he asked me to take a selfie. Yeah, that was never gonna happen. But as it was she was running late so we arranged to meet up after his AFL. As we pulled up the drive she was sitting there in my very conveniently placed table and chairs at the front of my house. Note to self, must install a coffee machine.
Long Legs, instead of jumping out of the car, demanding the house keys to let himself in before a single second of X-Box time could be lost, stood there looking anywhere but in her direction. I called him over and introduced him and the little bugger did not look at her once and grunted a hello before scuttling past. She is a Doctor of autism and I could just see her thinking, yup, he's got eye-contact issues. And I was screaming in my head he doesn't have eye-contact issues EVER! Not even when we were trying to get someone to take us seriously when he was a toddler did he avoid eye-contact.
So into the house we toddled, the Short One said hello, and he actually is quite a shy kid so his greeting was fairly normal. But then! As I was showing her our back 'yard' which is usually a surprise and she was ooohing and ahhing at the jungle that is our garden, lo and bloody behold, the Short One is watering my plants on the verandah with his water bottle from school. I spot his shoes, or should I say I don't spot his shoes which are usually scattered somewhere between the kitchen floor and the living room floor. I notice his bag, which is usually firmly plopped in the middle of the kitchen floor whilst he has his face planted in his iPad, is in fact in its designated spot ready for the morning. Then I watch him wash his lunch bag up and put his lunchbox in the sink with all rubbish out of it. All without me having to say a single word of reminder.
The house remained silent for pretty much the rest of her visit, except for the obligatory punch-up over the X-Box controller when Long Legs decided to change from silent and moody to loud, stompy feet and moody. He later said to me when I asked him how did he think that had made me feel to which he replied that I was probably disappointed in him in a structural manner and I was probably feeling obnoxious towards him. Full marks for advanced vocabulary use and attempts at extended sentence structure my boy! Bravo.
The Short One will be appearing in his school musical later on this year. I would suggest that for anyone who wants to say 'I knew that famous actor when' to contact me for tickets. Long Legs has been approached by a pharmaceutical company to model for their new deodorant. It's going to be called 'Dark And Moody'. I'm assured it smells structurally obnoxious. Til tomorrow x
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