I waited for him at the finish line and when I counted the finishers past number 50 I knew something was up. Sure enough I saw him walking to the finish line with his classmate who had walked with him, whilst he held onto his thigh. He finished the course even though he was offered a golf buggy ride which he later regretted because he wanted to go in the buggy. His fellow runners couldn't believe where he'd come in the race because he had finished first in the school cross country. Thankfully, he wasn't disappointed in himself or upset. He certainly milked the leg strappings, ice packs and early departure from school.
Whilst we were leaving the cross country course, he totally out of the blue told me some boys in his class had called him the 'r' word. This is the very first time he had said something to me and when he elaborated and said it had been going on since last term I was gobsmacked. I asked him why he hadn't said anything and why he was telling me now? I of course gave him twenty questions about when they said it, why did they say it, where were they when he said it, what did he do when they said it etc etc.
He was so calm and collected I was amazed at the way he was telling me. He didn't look remotely upset and this confused me because it's such a nasty word and his self-esteem isn't that great. He told me it had started last term and that this term it had been getting increasingly worse so I presume it's now starting to bother him. In response to when it happens, he told me it's when he tries to approach them to chat or if he trips up or doesn't jump a skipping rope. He told me in his head he says 'well you're going to get far in life aren't you' but in reality he just walks away.
I am not at all sure if he is allowing it to bother him though as he told me that as this has been going on for several weeks he can now legitimately tell the teacher he is being bullied. If he had said something after the first time it had happened, it is not classed as bullying. Now they will be dealt with as bullies and at his school there is no tolerance of bullying.
I, meanwhile, am shaking my head in disbelief at what he's telling me and planning all the ways in my head I am going to make these boys face up to me and say that word to my face. I will then ask them if they know what the word means because I have a strict rule with my boys, if you don't know what a word means, don't use it. Then I will bamboozle them with my knowledge of French verbs, in particular Retarder which means to delay or make late. Hence the origin of the word and how some bright spark brought it into use to refer to individuals with a delayed rate of learning. And then I may randomly start reciting je retarde, tu retardes etc etc
I may also have moments when I am mentally smashing a bunch of 12 year old boys in the face, although I, of course, keep these thoughts to myself. To say these things out loud is not very p.c. I know, but I can guarantee all us ASD parents think these things when another child is mean to ours. But it's when we do more than 'think', there are potential problems. Naturally I won't go near these boys, I will leave the school to deal with this. If there is one thing I don't like more than children picking on other children, it's adults picking on children. I still get filled with anger when I think back to the times when adults approached Long Legs in front of me because of something he'd done to their child.
It is also fair to say that I am not raging because he does not appear to be upset. Otherwise, we all know what a mother is like when her child has been hurt by somebody else. What I am so impressed by is, not so much that he's not upset by the episodes, but that he is not being a victim. We have certainly tried to instil in him that he is in no way inferior to others and we always tell him the advantages of having ASD. I don't know when this level of resilience occurred in him, or if he just feels so secure in the school and that they will not tolerate this behaviour, that he knows he will not suffer for years and years on end at the hands of these boys.
I see other parents who enable their children to be victims because of their ASD and I want to scream at them. I think as parents it is so important that we protect our children and look out for them. But equally as important is letting them learn to protect themselves and teaching them not to be victims. Whilst they are younger and don't understand how their sensory systems affect them or the ways in which their socialisation skills need a bit of work, absolutely we need to give their teachers tips on what works for them to help them out and we march up to the school at a drop of hat the minute we hear about playground antics.
At the same time, they need tips on what to say in response to unkind words and being taught to walk away from a situation. We have been saying 'walk away' for years to Long Legs. It may have taken a long, long time for him to start doing it. But I can tell you all, the wait is so worth it if it means I know my boy can do it at the very start of his high school career. I have heard too many horror stories of teenagers with ASD being bullied. I like to spread positive words so I'm glad to be able to tell you this story as warped as that may sound. I wish nothing bad to these boys except a reality check about their words and actions. Til tomorrow x
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